My poor breast has been squashed, pushed and pulled, scrutinized, needled and photographed.
I have been bombarded with so much information that I cant think straight!
All those words throw me – Cancer, Oncologist, Malignant, Lumpectomy, Mastectomy, Recovery, Radiotherapy, Chemotherapy. Surely they are not talking about me! These are words used about other people.
It all seems so surreal – I have often pondered that word SURREAL. Now I am living in a surreal world that is REAL!
Sometimes I think I am living in a dream or watching this story unfold on TV. I remember feeling like this during the 1998 Katherine Flood as I walked back into town for the first time to see the devastation everywhere. Tangled shop fronts and fences, twisted cars and washing machines and fridges caught against trees. I remember so clearly thinking that it was like being in a movie. That somehow if you scratched yourself, you would wake up and everything would be the same. But the mud and devastation didn’t go away for a long, long time.
I have to constantly feel the lump in my left breast to remind me that this is real and that it hasn’t gone away. That I do have Cancer, that strange word that can turn people’s lives upside down in a second!
I am not frightened of it and being an Athiest I dont need to pray to God. I wont let it consume my life, but I think what I hate the most, is the uncertainty it now creates in every aspect of my life. Work, finances, future health, will it come back again?
There are also many people you have to think about who are part of the journey. Husband, children, family and friends.
I dont want to be a Prima Donna or sooky la la with all these people who are no doubt just as worried and concerned as I am.
good writing Toni
Getting a perspective on this beast is hard. Sometimes it seems small (the common cold of cancers); sometimes it seems huge and overwhelming. To use a coastal metaphor it’s like going bodysurfing in big waves. Go with the ebb and flow of emotions and energy as they rise and fall. People around you love you and will want to help. Let them know what would help (and what doesn’t). This will change from week to week, or even day to day. From time to time you may get ‘dumped’ and tumbled around in all this stuff. It’s definitely not being a prima donna to have the occasional meltdown. You won’t get stuck there – you are too strong and have too good a sense of humour – both amazing assets.
Thinking of you through your journey Toni – much love – Bill x